Title: Things I'll Never Say
FullMetal Alchemist - Romance - R - Ed/Winry
"Prologue - Chapter 2" ----"Chapter 3" ----- "Chapter 4"----- "Chapter 5"----- "Chapter 6"
Chapter 7 : What have I done?
What have I done?
I'm sitting in my room cross legged staring at the grain texture of the wood I am seated upon. I see how the circles of wood represent the life that the tree once lived. Where is MY life headed? Sighing I concentrate harder on the floor, anything to stop me from remembering what happened. Who am I kidding?! I love that man and I just let him walk out of here with that damn suitcase.
What have I done?
I can't even remember exactly how we started fighting. Laughing I smooth my hands over the wooden floor. I know, I'm laughing because we fight and bicker all the time about useless shit. I make a fist and punch the floor. Upon impact my knuckles crack and I feel the blood seep from the few cuts I've made on my porcelain flesh. Oh yes, the fight. I close my eyes and remember the words that slipped from his mouth. Words of regretting something. I didn't need to ask him what he regretted. That look of fury in his eyes told me everything I needed to know. I snapped my head back to him and I said the words that made him leave.
What have I done?
I told him I wished I never met him. As soon as they left my lips I regretted them. But it was too late. The sentence was out in the open and all I could do was await his response. And let me tell you it was not pretty. The look of shock on his face startled me. I stumbled back and hit the counter in the kitchen. The color had drained from his face and he gave me one last look of anger and stomped off toward his room. All I could do was stand there in complete shock. I tried to move but I couldn't.
He came down the stairs in a hurry. Perhaps so I wouldn't stop him. God knows I tried as I ran after him down the road. I lunged at him and I guess from pure instinct he shoved me off and I landed on the hard gravel with a thud. I rolled over and groaned as I clutched my shoulder. I remember laying there looking up at the sky at the clouds passing by. I moved my head and looked at him. He stood there in complete shock. He hurt me. He hurt me and Al since he had come back. He looked at his hands and whispered something I could barely hear, but i did. "I'm not worth anything...". He clenched his fists and turned around, his back to me. I struggled to stand. But when I did I moved to go to him but he told me to stop.
"I'm leaving and I'm not coming back." A sob escaped my throat at the words. "Don't attempt to seek me out because you won't find me."
"Y-You're gon-gonna to l-leave Al b-behind?" I stuttered.
"All I do is hurt the ones I most care about." He walked down the road and I fell to my knees and cried. After the dust cleared he were gone. There goes my happy ending I guess, no wedding and no children. And I cried long and hard until I felt someone pick me up and carry me back to the house. I clutched tightly on the jacket of the person until I'm sure my knuckles were white. I had inhaled the scent and I knew it was Al taking care of me. He laid me on the bed and covered me with the covers. I could hear the tears falling from his face that he was trying to hold back. Ed wasn't just leaving me, that I could try and live with, but Al? How could he leave his brother behind like that? He had just returned and he was leaving again. I guess an old dog can't be taught new tricks. I grabbed Al's hand as he got up. I pulled him back down and he understood. We both needed comfort. He cried silently into my shoulder and my sobs echoed his. We held onto each other for dear life. We lost something that day and had no idea if we we're going to get it back.
What have I done?
It's been a few weeks and I'm starting to recover. I no longer need Al to be by my side anymore like in the first few days. But in those days that followed I took everything that reminded me of Ed and tried to store it some where. But I stopped. I can't burn down my house too. So I put everything back where it was and attempted a smile when I passed the photos of him and Al when they were growing up. But smiling always turned into a frown. I started to become resentful. How could he be so cold and detached all the time. I wish I was able to just walk away from everything and start a new life. I guess I was wrong in thinking he actually had feelings and cared for me.
Why am I sitting on the floor of my room you might ask? Because it's the only place I can think straight and I feel so hot right now so the floor feels nice and cold. The heat has also made my stomach lurch every so often. I lay down on the floor and feel my cheek press against the cold surface. I must have laid there for hours it seems until Al finds me. He must've just passed by my room and noticed me on the floor, again.
"Winry...." he says in a soothing tone as he puts a hand on my back. "You need to stop doing this to yourself."
I don't answer but rather stay still and look dead ahead at the door he just exited from. Remembering Ed stomping up the stairs to leave. I close my eyes and a few tears come out. Why did you leave me Edward? I didn't mean the things I said. Please, just come home to me. I love you so much please. My eyes shut tightly I attempt to hold back the sobs that will rain over me.
What have I done?
My stomach lurches and I wince. The floor is oh so comfortable and I don't want to move. Maybe I'll just throw up right hear and worry about it later. But my stomach does a big flip and I awkwardly get up and sprint to the bathroom that is adjoining my room.
My breakfast comes out in the toilet and I cry. I hold the cover to the seat as more comes out and I sob. Something soft is putting pressure on my back as I am emptying the contents of my stomach. When I think I am done I reach for a tissue and a couple are shoved into my hand. I wipe my face and sit down in front of the toilet. Al leans over me from the side and flushes it.
"Winry, you need to calm down." He sighs and puts his arms around me. "You're working yourself up so much that you're making yourself sick... I... I don't want to lose you too." He tells me as he shoves his face into my shoulder and quietly sobs. He is right. I wrap my arms around him and he pulls me tighter into his embrace. How could I have forgot the trauma this young man has also endured? But a sudden feeling of dread washes over me and I push away from him gripping his shoulders tight. I look him in the face and dare to tell him something.
"Al... something's wrong..." I say in desperation. "Somethings not right..." He looks at me quizzically. Then the thought hits me and my breath comes in quick pants as I gasp, "What have I done?"
Chapter 8: Rambling man
It seems I have been wandering around for what feels like forever I think as I walk down the road I remember from years ago. The houses look the same and the grass is the same brilliant green from my past. I bring my hand up to scratch an itch on my face and feel the long stubble on my cheek. I never thought I would let it grow but I haven't really been myself since that day. Yes, the day I left my family. I only realize now that they are my family and I screwed it all up. I desperately wanted to come back and when I did I vowed to start over. What a load of shit that was. I dare not ever go back there. They're better off with out me there to hurt them. I wince as I remember the day I hit Al. Why the hell did I do that? Then I shoved Winry when I was leaving. I really am a bastard and asshole. I don't deserve anyones love.
I chuckle lightly to myself as I make my way up a cement walk and come face to face with a door I hadn't seen in a very longtime. A wreath with dried pink and red flowers adorns the door and I can not help but smile. I touch it with my fingers and I remember when I made it. What has led me here I don't know. Maybe fate. Ha, fate is a loud of fucking shit.
I lift my hand to knock but the door opens and I am met with a young girl. I gasp as I realize how big she has gotten. A woman comes up behind her telling her not to open the door for strangers. But when she comes to the door she too gasps and whispers "Edward-kun" I don't know what to say except her name.
"Mrs. Hughes..." I also whisper.
I am seated on the couch in the living room. I lightly chuckle under my breath as my hands smoothes over the fabric.
"What's so funny?" Elysia asks me as she takes a seat next to me. I smile back at her.
"Well, this couch you see, you were born here." I smile at her as I remember how frightened I really was that day.
"How did you know that?" She asks of me.
"Well Edward-kun was here Elysia, it's been a while since you've seen him." Mrs. Hughes responds to her question as she enters with some tea. "Well, let's get you comfortable for your stay Edo."
"I..I won't be staying long.. I j-just..." I look down at my hands. Why am I here? I don't want to hurt anyone else. I should just leave. "Maybe it was a mistake that I came by... I.." I say as I watch her put the tea down and come up to me. She places a hand on my shoulder and then looks down at Elysia.
"Elysia, do you think you could get ready for bed? You know, get in your pajamas and brush your teeth?" She nods. "I'll be up in a few minutes." I watch the girl smile and then she embraces me and says good night. I blush at the contact. Its been weeks since I've been held and I oh so miss it. It reminds me of Winrys touch and I feel sad all of a sudden. Oh how I miss her. "Edward..." I look up into her eyes. I pull back in anger.
"I don't want your pity...." I'm not going to stay one minute. "I'm going to leave.." I say as I make my way to the door.
"What you did could not have been so bad that you had to leave for good..."
I turn with surprise evident on my face "How did you..?" I ask.
"Well... sorry but... look at you Edward-kun...you're a mess..." She moves to embrace me. I stiffen at the touch. "You remind me of someone from long ago... and I don't want you to go down the wrong path. Stay and let me help you. Maes would roll over in his grave if I did not offer you the help you seek."
I clench my fists. "I don't want your pity... or you to help me because you feel you have to."
"I'm not... I want to... but If I let you go out that door no one will ever see you again and you will be burdened with guilt for the rest of your natural life." She tightens her embrace around me and I reluctantly relax. And as the tension sails away a few tears fall from my golden eyes. I sob into the embrace and she soothes and whispers comforting words. She must've known the life I led when I was younger. I hate being handled like a broken soul. But that is what I am. I may be in my early twenties but I am still a child in so many ways.
The sunlights hits my face and I roll over. Gah, I hate mornings. The pull out couch was comfortable for maybe the first few hours. I open my eyes and am met with two big brown ones. I sit up and jump back. "Ahh!"
"Hehehe..." Elysia squeaks jumping on top of the bed.
"Is Edward-kun up yet?" I hear Mrs. Hughes yell from the nearby kitchen. I groan at those words. If she calls me that one more time I swear.
"She just startled me." I reply as I get up and grab my pants and pull them up over my boxers. I reach for my shirt but Elysia grabs it and runs away. "Elysia please, can I have my shirt...?" I ask as I make my way after her. How does this kid have so much energy this early? As I get closer she throws the shirt at me. "Thanks". I smile at her so she doesn't think I'm mad. I guess it works because the next think I know she is hugging me again.
"Give me a piggy back ride Edo!" She exclaims. I use to give them to Al all the time. It's only been a few weeks but I miss his terribly.
"How about later?" I hug her back and she nods then scampers off.
"Those clothes you are wearing of filthy, first thing after breakfast you're going to take a decent shower." She says as I enter the kitchen putting my shirt over my head. "Then let's cut your hair and shave your face." I make a face at that. "Then we can get you a new set of clothes." She smiles at me. "Someone should wear them all!"
"Mrs. Hughes you really don't have to do that." I tell her as I am seated at the little table. "it wouldn't be right..."
"Of course it would. Someone should wear them. It's either you or they're going to the homeless shelter down the street." I reluctantly agree.
She stands in front of me with a pair of scissors. I laugh nervously "Just a little right?" I ask. My face is probably white as a ghost.
"Well I was thinking of cutting it all off." A look of horror adorns my face. "Edo I was just kidding!" She starts to laugh.
"That wasn't funny." I scowl at her as I cross my arms.
"Your temper hasn't changed a bit Edward-kun" She says as she smoothes her hands through my hair and prepares to cut.
"Ya know, you don't have to call me Edward-kun.. I'm not a kid anymore...." i mumble.
"Well, to me you will always be that sweet boy that helped me when Elysia was born." I blush as I remember. I was so scared that day. I was so sure she was going to die and to this day the thought of a child being born makes me want to run in fear. I know, I know, I have battled homoculi, gone through the gate and come back and I am scared of the thought of a kid coming into the world. Realistic fear isn't it? "Besides, what do you want me to call you?" She laughs." You're not married, so Kun is appropriate for now." She laughs some more as I let something slip.
"Well I was a close..." Her hands stop and she takes in a breath. I wince. Why did I have to go and say something like that. But it was the truth. If I had stayed I would've married Winry one day.
"What do you mean?" She asks me.
I take in a breath. "Winry..." I say to her.
"Ohh... you love her?" She asks as her hands to go through my golden locks once more. I am so relaxed so if she asks me anything I doubt I will lie or divert the questions.
"Yes..." I pause. "And I screwed it up." I tell her.
"Tell me about it." She asks me. Great now she wants to know about that too. "How can I help you if you can't confide in me?"
"Fine.. Fine.." I mumble and prepare myself for the answer. "I denied my feelings for so long, I got mad at Al because he tried to get me to admit them... I... I hit him...I've never hit my brother out of anger before." I look down at my hands.
"I'm sure he knows you didn't mean it.." She tells me.
I continue. "And Winry.." I sigh. "We fight all the time... always about stupid things.... but the day I left was different. She just got me so angry... I told her I regretted it... and she said she wished she never met me."
"I know... we are so stubborn and have tempers. It's like we can't help it. Anyway, I left that day. Of course she followed me."
"Well she loves you..." I hear snipping come from behind me.
"She jumped on me and I shoved her off. She... she fell and hit the ground. I became disgusted with myself and left for good. I originally was just going to leave to think. But after that I had decided to never go back. They are better off with out me." An image of Wnry falling to the ground and looking at me in fear comes into my vision. I had never seen her gaze at me with fear in her eyes before. How could I have been so careless.
Mrs. Hughes came into view then and kneeled in front of me. "You know that isn't true..."
"Well I can't go back now..." I told her as sadness consumes me.
"I tell you what.." She puts her hands in mine and grips tight "Why don't you stay here until we sort everything out." She paused then. "I'm not trying to replace your mother Edward but let me be your friend." I nod at her and she smiles.